Sexual Desires are an integral part of every human being’s life, but often get repressed and discouraged by family and society. We are not born omniscient, we need to talk to each other to understand our wants and needs. Talking honestly about your sexual desires can only help improve your overall sexual satisfaction by teaching your partner how to take you to ecstasy instead of boredom, (some surveys find that around 30% of women fake orgasms). According to buzz.com “…only 58% of people are comfortable with telling their lover exactly what they want in bed, which is probably why only 38% are fully satisfied with their sex lives.” (These statistics vary between 38% and 44% worldwide.) Talking openly about your sexual desires with your partner(s) will lead to better sex and closer intimacy.
Further, sexual desires can often take the form of fantasy which initially at least, may or may not be acted upon, but will definitely help encourage more honesty in your relationship, therefore, deepening trust. Some people actively fantasize more than others, but we all do it. Recent statistics say 98% of men and 90% of women fantasize while masturbating or having sex. If we (mostly) all do it, why don’t we talk about it? Most people think it’s “cheating” to admit to fantasizing because it usually involves another person – not your partner! But it’s not cheating. It’s what our minds do. The more we can share our fantasies with our partner the more we’ll be able to:
-spice up our sex life
-deepen intimacy
-have some fun!
Some of us are more practiced at discussing sexual fantasies, but that should not stop anyone from being able to try (practice makes better!). Let the Approachable Pervert, (that’s me) help you along the way. It is my goal that we learn to discuss our fantasies without fear or judgment. By the way, did you know that sex with a stranger is number one on the list of women’s fantasies and group sex is rated very highly for all.
Here are some suggestions on how to discuss your fantasies and desires:
I always say it’s a good idea to bring up desires when you’re feeling cozy and safe, say lying in bed on a Sunday morning. Be forewarned though: it may lead to sex!
I also suggest that saying something in the heat of the moment works also, eg. “Spank me Daddy!” is sure to create conversation later.
Reading a book together with sexual material in it that you feel uncomfortable talking about readily, (or leaving it out in plain sight).
Watching a movie with a scene that particularly turns you on, then ask your partner about the scene later.
Finally, be patient and have compassion. Your partner may not feel immediately turned on by what some of the things you bring up, but if they learn how much it turns you on you they may change their mind.
Here are some phrases you can use to help break the ice around talking about your fantasies:
I really like it when you__________________________________________.
Looking at _______ reminds me of______, which I would love to do with you sometime.
I’ve never tried _______________________, but would like to with you/the right person.
I usually need to ______________________________ in order to orgasm/come.
I like hearing/smelling/tasting/feeling ________________ when I’m having sex.
I like the idea of __________________________________, but am afraid to try it.
Have you ever tried __________________________________________?
I would really like to do ________________________ to you.
Possible Responses:
Oooooooooh, that sounds interesting. I would be willing to try _______________.
I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that idea, but maybe in the future/with another person/after researching it further.
What do you mean by __________________________________________?
How do you think we could make that happen?
Sounds interesting, but not my cup of tea right now. (notice the “right now” does not cut out possibilities for the future).
Remember, there’s no need to have an unfulfilling sex life. It all starts with conversation. Next week we’ll discuss some common fantasies and how to go about playing them out!
http://articles.latimes.com/2008/mar/08/entertainment/et-book8
http://mamiverse.com/sexual-fantasy-how-much-is-normal-12837/
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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook .