Do You and Your Wife Have a Kink Incompatibility?
Perhaps you want or need some element of BDSM to get your needs met in your sex life. If so, living with someone for whom these activities are distasteful can be hard work, frustrating and upsetting. Resentment never leads to hot, kinky sex.
Do you feel like you have a kinky secret that you want to share with your wife? Are you unsure about how to let her know about your kink or fetish? We have some ideas for you!
How To Bring Up Your Kinky Needs to a Vanilla Partner Without Making it Awkward
There are entire websites created to help couples discover their “love map” and their kink compatibility. These websites may sound cheesy, but they can be a great ice breaker if you are nervous and anxious about sharing your kinky ideas with your wife.
There is the Sex Questionnaire site called Sexionnaire. The way the site works is that it asks you to fill out the questionnaire about which kinks you find interesting. You each take the survey separately and then it gives you a report of the kinks you have in common. Voila! What a great way to start the conversation.
You may have seen the Human Sex Map talked about on Oprah or other day-time TV. It’s a website dedicated to helping you and your wife “pin” the kinks you might like to try, have tried, want more of or that you want to leave strictly for your fantasy life in your mind. It’s very educational and I would suggest you keep a window open on your computer so you can Google some of the kinks you may have not heard of.
Humor Can Sometimes Be The Easiest Way to Suggest Something Kinky
Joking around with your wife can be a light way to bring up some of your kinky ideas. Joking with her about how beautiful you think she would look with some purple fuzzy handcuffs to match her robe might put a smile on her face. Tell her you are going to go shopping and want to find a set that matches her favorite thong or bra and ask her if she would be into trying that some time.
If she has some earplugs she wears to muffle the sound of you snoring ask her if she would like to wear them sometime while you two are having sex to try out a little sensory deprivation. Or if she has one of those masks she wears on her eyes to reduce puffiness ask her to wear it sometime while you are going down on her or while you two are having sex. Tell her you want to try some new kinky things with her and see if she enjoys them.
Sex is supposed to be fun and sometimes can even be funny. Using a bit of humor can definitely lighten the mood and create a playful spirit.
He’s kinky, she is vanilla. Is the relationship doomed?
The relationships where I communicated my wants and needs to my partner, regardless of their sex and pleasure choices, were the ones which turned out the most fulfilling not just for me but for my partner, too. Having a ‘shameful’ secret or a guilty pleasure I couldn’t tell a vanilla partner about just led to unhappiness and resentment. Now I realize I just can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a trace of kink in them. But, that does not mean your relationship is doomed. It means you are going to have to break out your communication skills and see if you can find a trace of kink in your partner. Find out if there is a willingness by your partner to keep an open mind about having some kinky fun.
There are alternatives if your partner has zero interest in kinky sex, but those are also going to require great communication skills. Some couples negotiate an open marriage or a polyamorous arrangement when they are committed to staying together. We also hear from people who feel like they have no other option besides having a secret kinky relationship. We hope that is not the case for you; but we never judge anyone’s relationships.
If you really want to try to stay together and are committed to not having a secret life outside of your marriage, then having a real, honest and open conversation with your wife is the best way to handle this. You can start off small and expand our kink as you go. Obviously, consent is very important in kink relationships and without trust, the sex will be awful and will likely never get very kinky unless you two become communication experts.
- Once you have her consent to try some kinky fun, be sure to offer her reassurance that you appreciate her willingness and that you love her for it.
- Remember, that in kinky relationships, it’s all about the negotiation and consent. That also means things can change and possibly even get taken off the menu. Reassure her of this point.
- Reframe anything “violent” as ways to experience impact play and sensation play. Violence is rarely sexy. “Intense sensations”, on the other hand …
- Create your YES, NO, MAYBE list.
- Keep things fun and playful. (Especially in the beginning.)
When you are ready to graduate to adding to your kinky menu, we do offer online courses and in-person coaching.
Sexy and Kinky Tips for Married Couples
We have so many more tips we are excited to share with you via our video course.
If you are married and are empty-nesters and are ready to reclaim your sex life now that the kids are all moved out you will love our Art of Bondassage course. Or, maybe you have been through an illness or menopause and your sex life can use some C.P.R. It happens in all relationships and there is no shame in asking your partner to help you with improving your sex life.
Do you want to stay together for many more years? Do you want to stay married, but need some professional help? A fabulous sensual massage can be orgasmic and when you both learn our techniques in our course, it will bring you both bliss. Think of it as an investment in your orgasms and well being.
We Would Love To Teach You and Your Wife How To Be Kinky
When you buy our course, you will learn to take turns being in the power position. If you are normally a more dominant lover, learn how to let go of the control to your lover and enjoy receiving a sensual massage. Learn more about impact play and edging. Let us teach you some techniques for nipple play that will bring you to the brink.
Whether you’re a novice or an experienced player, we’re delighted to be your guide on a journey of submission, exploration, and pleasure.
If you feel like our $97 course may be a little slow for you, we do also have an Advanced Bondassage Course for $395 . You can even pay for our $395 Advance Bondassage Course in 3 payments, too. Be sure to sign up for our HOT SEX TIPS newsletter here so we can keep your sex life smoking hot. (Read our blog about our Couples Kink Coaching here.)
Kinky Tips & Techniques For Married Couples Learning To Be Kinky
If you have married or in a long term relationship and want to keep your sex life healthy in marriage, we do offer private coaching. Our private coaching is in person, and working with Jaeleen gives you the confidence and freedom to explore new techniques, new erogenous zones, and delicious new areas of sensory pleasure.
Our founder, Jaeleen, offers private coaching. “I’m a sensual domina, professional bodyworker, and the creator of Bondassage® and Elysium by Bondassage®. I’ve had the honor of introducing people around the world to the fascinating world of kink. Introducing couples to the art of Bondassage has increased their passion, deepened their connection, and spiced up their intimate playtime. I’d love to help you too!”
More about Jaeleen: I am a Certified Massage Therapist, Professional Domina, Reiki Master, Urban Tantrika, and Sensual Shaman with more than 25 years of experience. I have extensive training in several healing modalities, including Amma, Swedish, acupressure, shiatsu, deep tissue, sports massage, Reiki, rebirthing, polarity, trigger, and active release, Thai, Tantra, and Taoist Massage, Shamanic journeying, aromatherapy, and esoteric energy healing.
Email Jaeleen at firstname.lastname@example.org to introduce yourself to her and that will get your conversation going.
Also, be sure to check out our blog “19 Sexy Ways To Surrender in the Bedroom.”