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What Does a Dominatrix Look Like to You? by Eve Minax

April 24, 2014 By Admin Bondassage

“Come to the edge, he said. They said: We are afraid. Come to the edge, he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew.”

Guillaume Apollinaire

One of my Sisyphean challenges in life is to demystify the myth of the Dominatrix – to fill out the missing gaps and one-dimensional characteristics that permeate our culture. The unique histories of Dominatrices inform their brave work and pioneering spirit. If you could look closely, (where are the stats anyway?), you would see an illustrious array of talent, skills, philosophies, and courage.

Like many other professionals I know, I too, have a unique history. Raised urban poor, I went on to obtain the first High School degree, and eventually a Master’s, in my family. Literary and theatrical studies combined with extensive pedagogical experience continue to inform my work as a BDSM lecturer, educator, and writer. Years before I would begin to fully understand my own leanings towards Female Domination and BDSM practices, I wrote my graduate thesis on “Subversive Practices in Feminist Performance Art”. Further, like many of my colleagues, I may not fit the stereotype of the Hollywood-produced leather cat suit clad man-eating vixen, but I have practiced the art of Domination with intention and commitment for many years.

The media stereotype of the Dominatrix is rather one-dimensional. The infiltration of SM culture into mainstream society leans primarily towards the fetishistic and aesthetic aspects of BDSM culture, avoiding any deeper underlying issues to the person and her work. In “real” life, Dominatrices are generally stunning; though not always mainstream beauties. We often stand out in a crowd because we tend to be individualistic, living life to the fullest and more often than not standing out as a leader – the one to take control in any number of ways.

I’d love to see more research done that would illuminate the complexity of a profession that has been misrepresented and misunderstood societally. Like within most professions, a spectrum of representation exists, eg, not all lawyers are bad and not all police officers are good. The Dominatrix also has many layers to her persona, and I have been pondering the many variations exist for some time.

Here is a partial list of some of the different types of Dominatrices, with basic names that I came up with off the top of my head, many of which can overlap with each other, and others that never mix.

The Domestic Disciplinarian: Could be your Aunty or Woman next door, until she puts you over her knee.

The Medical Specialist: Plays Doctor or Nurse to perfection.

The Rubber Mistress: Has all the rubber clothes and gear you could possible imagine.

The Goddess: Demands worship.

The Fetishist: Fetish is her motivator.

The Bondage Mistress/Top: Loves rope and knows how to use it.

The Whip Mistress: Whip wielding from single tail to cat o’ nine.

The Predator: Hunts you down and take you down.

The Philosopher: Keeps you in line with her words and ethics.

The Classic: Domestic Disciplinarian, Whip Wielder, Bondage Expert and more! The General Practitioner, (also with specialties) of Dominatrices.

The Good Girl Gone Bad: Looks angelic or like the girl next door.

The Seductress: Casts her spell to entice you.

The Counselor/Guide: Takes you where you need to go.

The Emasculator: Wants your balls, you don’t need them.

Of course, this list is not exhaustive and as I began noting all the variations I realized that not only are there so many types, but that many of us embody any number of Strong Female Authoritarian Archetypes within our Dominatrix Personas which we invoke when appropriate to the scene: Queen, Priestess, Warrior, and Mother to name a few. Just because a Dominatrix self-presents in one archetypal role does not mean she cannot employ another type when necessary however, the Bondage Mistress can care for her bound subject in a very Maternal or Motherly way and once the Predator has captured her prey, she can employ the Goddess to finalize her objectives. Conversely, it would be quite useless for the Whip Mistress to whip the Domestic Discipline client as a Medical Specialist while wearing a black rubber cat suit. Not only do the genres not go together, but the Domestic Discipline aficionado’s needs will not be met and no catharsis would ensue leaving the session flat and ineffectual.

I have often said that Dominatrices are Psychic Waste Managers, encouraging people to excavate parts of themselves that society deeply discourages: the primal sexual selves. If the libido is not allowed to emerge in a positive creative way, it can be destructive. I also say that the sacred and lascivious are flip sides of the same coin. Knowing who you are as a Dominatrix and how to go about employing different aspects of your self in the work helps achieve therapeutic results with your clientele. There is an old adage to the profession, we may not be therapists, but the work is therapeutic. Knowing oneself in Domination is particularly crucial because of the nature of psychosexual work. Libidinal drives inform our every movement, hence the work itself elicits the question of what drives us sexually. Personally, although I love whipping, I do not consider myself a whip Mistress. When I see my esteemed Whip Mistress colleagues doing the dance of fire and precision, I am truly humbled by their abilities. Would I desire to be them? Yes, but honestly, I must honor my primary arousal in order to be a better Dominant. I suppose I am an Archeologist of BDSM. I love exploring and excavating psychosexual terrain, and the whips and other accoutrements are simply tools that help me unearth buried artifacts.

In examining difference, we must also examine similarity. We Dominatrices all have sadistic streaks, or at the very least enjoy giving pleasure – and if a masochist seeks pain for their pleasure, we are happy to accommodate. We also, ideally, have hard skills in Domination, be they rope rigging, electro-play, or whip wielding. Often motivated by deep fetishistic desires, we all care about our clientele in a professional fashion. Dominatrices have many similarities but perhaps only one commonality: whatever the archetype or role that we play, we need to push our subjects and ourselves a little deeper into the dark so that we all may extend our psychosexual travels a little further, returning each time with a bit more knowledge and a lot more savvy.

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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook .

Authentic Power Play: Dominance and Submission by Eve Minax

April 17, 2014 By Admin Bondassage

Authentic Power Play: Dominance and Submission

by Eve Minax

Dominance and submission within consensual relationships exists basically as an intentional acknowledgement and exploration of intrinsic power dynamics with another person. These relationships draw upon the nature of the relationship, (the “bossier” person, more educated, older etc tend to traditionally be the “dominant”), to play with the already established power exchange. Conversely, some of these relationships have been “forced” on us through the years, eg … parents, bosses, etc that may have left an erotic print on our psyche that we wish to examine. By accepting and developing a D/s dynamic in relation to another, we can often heal and grow in ways that astound. The reason I am drawn to D/s as a Dominant is that I wish to mend some of the power imbalances I have endured over the years. I am also infinitely curious how relationships work and have a great desire to see them grow and develop into deeper awareness and closer intimacy.

The most important aspect to D/s training for both parties is to know yourself, your wants and your needs, and to be able to articulate those wants and needs in a thoughtful and thorough fashion. We cannot fully know ourselves at any given time however, so it also encourages compassion for yourself and your partner. You are human, you will err. There are many avenues to self-exploration and understanding and not any one of them is the only way. Ideally when our paths cross we can begin to understand how each of us have gotten there and have the wherewithal to follow through the relationship in a meaningful way. I would also suggest an ability to accept the type of relationship for “what it is” instead of trying to make it something it is not. A D/s component exists in all of our relationships, and when we develop that aspect of our dynamic then can we weave a thread of erotic power play.

As far as D/s training goes, I had to come to terms with the fact that I am a dominant person who enjoys and appreciates rigorous self exploration, consequently I attract submissives who also value self exploration and wish to defer to a more experienced person. What I have determined over the years since I began practicing serious D/s training is that I am a tenacious, yet flexible dominant. I have very specific ways that I like things done, but I cannot and will not reprimand irresponsibly. Two of the main ingredients to a good submissive for me is flexibility and humor. This is not to say that they should be a flake and a smart-ass, but that they can accommodate my mercurial ways with a sense of dignity and charm.

Although difficult, if I were to try to break down what makes a good D/s relationship work it would look something like this:

* Communication. An ability of each participant to articulate their wants and needs and ability of each participant to negotiate their wants, (needs are less negotiable) are imperative to healthy relationships in all forms.

* Commitment. Energy and enthusiasm can wane in a relationship, but desire to participate in the relationship should always be intact – even if it is simply being questioned. It is perfectly healthy to question many facets of the relationship, but if the desire to be in the relationship is gone, then other facets arise. Be mindful.

* Compassion for yourself and the other. Be kind to yourself, even when you make mistakes. Further, even if you are the dominant it does not mean that the submissive has no right to their feelings and emotions. Be kind to them also.

* Service. The Dominant should be in service to the higher power of the relationship as much as the submissive is in service to the Dominant. Service ideally is the erotic glue to D/s. How can you serve and be aroused by service?

* Flexibility. Each party should be able to move for the other. The most obvious understatement to this may be that the submissive will probably defer more often than the Dominant. Give each other enough space to work out individual quirks, but not too much that you no longer have any commonalities. Breathe into the change that will surely emerge.

* Trust. How much do you trust that the other has your well being in mind first and foremost? How much do you trust yourself?

* Be honest. To what extent can you be honest with yourself, your beauty, power, and grandeur, with all of its foibles, imperfections and inconsistencies? D/s is all about being able to be truthful relaying your truth in a thoughtful and thorough fashion and subsequently being able to listen to your partner.

To sum it all up in the words of a former student at the Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts “find out what your partner wants and give it to them.” And of course, let them know honestly when you can’t.

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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook .

Four Common Mistakes Masochists Make by Eve Minax

April 10, 2014 By Admin Bondassage

Four Common Mistakes Masochists Make

by Eve Minax

If you were to dig around the web or your local library, you will find a plethora of fictional and nonfictional work discussing the masochist. In fact, the term itself came from the surname of the man who wrote the original classic “Venus in Fur”, Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch (see below). Of course, like the proverbial chicken and the egg, one is not sure which came first – the sadist or the masochist. In order to give us an accessible definition of sadist and masochist we will simply say that a sadist is a person who derives erotic pleasure and or gratification out inflicting pain on others, ideally masochists. The masochist derives erotic gratification from receiving pain from the sadist. There have been many arguments over the years as to who wields the power in this dynamic, however, my concerns today are not around the power dynamic in as much as around questions of how a masochist can better develop and grow with the sadist.

First, I want to be clear that I am not discussing masochistic behavior as much as masochism or a masochist. Think of this in terms of narcissism. As, (particularly Western), humans we are all somewhat narcissistic, but not necessarily narcissists. Like narcissists, masochistic behavior, on some level, exists in all of us, but not all of us are masochists.

Get it?

Secondly, I want to distinguish between pain and intense sensation. I use these terms synonymously, but want to say that “unerotic” or non-consensual “pain” is not part of this discussion. I am speaking only of intense sensation that is consensual and brings potential erotic pleasure to the masochist.

Now, on with the piece…

Over the years, I have dealt with hundreds of discussions around masochists and masochism. Given the definition above, I will add that the following four ways of being are where some self-proclaimed masochists decrease the pleasure in the pain or miss out on the potential for self development, an aspect to the work that I value deeply.

1. Being stoic. This is a classic. I am a masochist because I can “take it” is more of a macho or competitive streak than an actual place of erotic stimulation. One could argue that a “true sadist”, wants the masochist to take it for their pleasure. But if pleasing the sadist brings erotic gratification first and foremost, is that person really a masochist? I feel as though deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure is as old as any dynamic in relationship and does not necessarily mean the person is a masochist. For example, I know a slave who absolutely hates the big black rubber paddle in my cabinetry, but will happily receive the blows from me, should it please me. Now, one could argue that you can “create” a masochist, or at the very least masochistic behavior by erotically stimulating the bottom, (see HERE for a discussion on bottoming), whilst they receive intense sensation. Further, I find that people who claim to be masochists but refuse to call safe words or show any expression oftentimes are not fully embodied and are quite possibly “checked out” in the scene. Checking out, although enjoyable sometimes with intention and desire, can be a quick way of causing a lot of harm in relationship as it does not allow for Total Power Exchange. There are ways to insure an embodied processing of pain. See number 4.

2. Revisiting traumatic history. Speaking of disembodiment, disassociation and retraumatization of the self are not uncommon with people who are survivors of abuse. Briefly, there is a spectrum of trauma: “soft” which can be insidious and long term, (like an alcoholic parent who beats or neglect their child over the years), or hard trauma, which relates to a more immediate and particular incident, (serving in battle, getting mugged or raped), and the fact is that MOST OF US deal with some level of trauma in our lives, but we don’t even recognize it. Further, although there are plenty of well bred kinksters out there, there is also an indication that many practitioners of BDSM are abuse survivors often seeking healing from that trauma, even if they are unaware of it. Check the links at the bottom for more information on this

3. Lacking an understanding of the various types of “pain” or “extreme sensation. Emotional or Physical masochist or both? I’ve had clients call me and say that they are interested in a session, but they are “not into pain” to which I respond, “what do you mean by pain?” You see, if I session with a foot fetishist and during the time we have together I taunt him with the possibility of worshipping my feet, but I deny it, is this not painful for him? I do not have to touch to be a sadist. You see, pain need not always be corporal (in other words: physical). I have a friend who calls herself an emotional masochist. She is not into corporal pain at all, but given the love she has for her tops, she will channel that love into a variety of different forms of extreme sensation, especially the mind fuck. She is not so much a physical sensation player (more on that in a future post), but more so requires an emotional and/or intellectual component to achieve a state of masochistic bliss.

4. Not familiar with pain processing techniques. Finally, I see masochists missing great opportunities to get into the flow of the scene by not knowing how to process extreme sensation. Being able to receive the pain in a way that it flows through their body and back into the top’s body, creating a circuit of intensity is what we call in BDSM Total Power Exchange (TPE). Breath is the easiest way to access energetic flow. Blocking the energy that runs through your body will only make more intensity and decrease TPE. Now, if you are an extreme masochist and want your blows to feel more harsh (or your sadist may want this from you), hold your breath. Breath is the energy and life force within us. As soon as you hold your breath while receiving extreme sensation, you will note that it becomes a lot less pleasant and usually unerotic. I always breathe deeply and fully on my massage therapist’s table to insure a more thorough relaxation and deep tissue work. I suggest you try it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little deconstruction of the masochist. If you are local to San Francisco, I cannot recommend highly enough ACT’s (American Conservatory Theater’s) production of Venus in Furs. Here’s a mini review I wrote about it. I think they may still have advantageous pricing on seats. Hurry up though, it’s the last weekend!

As always, I welcome your thoughts.

Resource links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masochism

http://heartdaka.blogspot.com/2010/04/bdsm-healing-of-sexual-abuse.html

http://voices.yahoo.com/is-bdsm-lifestyle-healing-experience-submissives-1881418.html

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook .

Oops, I Forgot the Safe Word! by Eve Minax

April 4, 2014 By Admin Bondassage

Oops, I Forgot the Safe Word!

by Eve Minax

This week’s column discusses negotiation and safety, but not in the classic sense, sorry. We’re gonna wrangle that concept right into submission, then prop it back up into its previous complex state … shall we proceed?

In the realm of BDSM and kink play, Safe, sane and consensual rests as the buzz phrase to encourage newcomers to join (we’re safe!), illicit normalcy (we’re not crazy!), and utilize tactics to insure we’re all in this together (we all agreed it was ok … right?).

Let’s look at our phrase a little more closely. Safe: I will never hurt you physically or mentally. Sane: I’m not certifiable, I promise! Consensual: I will only do to you what we have previously agreed upon or what I know you like.

Sounds easy, right? Not so fast … how does one maintain a long term status of being “safe, sane, and consensual”? Well, mostly through referrals based on their humanity and appropriate observance of safe words. “Safe words” are often used to confirm “consensuality” but they are also often used as tactics in a covert war of passive aggressivity. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE safewords. Safewords used well are great indicators of limits that can tell you in a moment without dropping scene where your bottom is at. And as a top, you can ease off, toy with that limit for a bit, or push it, depending on the bottom and their psychological and physical state.

Awesome, you say, let’s run out and do a gang rape scene with a safe word – careful there. Many people have little emotional land mines of psychic waste that may emerge only in scene. Something may come up for them or for you that you never expected. More often than not, in play, psychic waste can be triggered by the simplest of phrases, (I know a woman who cannot be called “baby” in scene), causing the triggered person to become overwhelmed and often distressed to the point that only years of therapy can help.

Noticing when you are pushing your bottom to the point of their safe word, even if they do not call it requires being present and fully observant of your bottom, because guess what? Due to stoicism, ignorance, (thinking you want them to “take it’), or endorphins flying so high they don’t feel the over extension of their boundaries, they will not always use their safe word and oh yes, someone will probably get hurt.

Does this mean “playing” (what a fun term), is better off when done “safely”… ok honey, I will just pat your ass and call you kitten … No. Playing will always push someone’s boundaries at some point. Talking/negotiating is paramount, whether it’s for 10 mins or an hour, start somewhere and establish a safe word. Compassion comes in handy for both the top and the bottom to forgive any unintentional misdeeds. You must be able to forgive yourself and forgive the other. And finally, are you committed to continuing the play? Be honest.

But first a word from our sponsor … I have a gazilion years of experience and I still fuck up. Yes, once in a blue moon or every 14 years I fuck up. I recently had a little mishap where I called a player out on a rape fantasy. Too real. He lost his trust in me in the moment and called his safe word. No worries, we resolved the scene and scheduled another time to play.

We are special people (the naked horned beast’s), chosen ones. We know what it’s like to be abused and therefore we abuse no one. My personal favorites are the ones who know the fine line. I like to take and kidnap them through seduction or coersion, it doesn’t matter …

Clothes off, wallet or purse locked tight in a safe or better yet, thrown away … all their own doing … they are mine to do with what I will. I like towering over my helpless “victim” tightly bound in bondage and squirming beneath me, afraid and defiant simultaneously. We know it’s a game and yet it seems so real. They are naked, exposed, and completely vulnerable to my vast array of whims. What will it be today? Shall I beat them with a sjambock until they beg for mercy? Shall I take them over my spanking horse, tightly bound, administer a hot soapy enema and rape their ass repeatedly, or perhaps I will apply electricals to their genitalia and watch them scream and squirm, wanting more and yet absolutely terrified at how far I can go, we can go together.

People are afraid of themselves at the end of the day.

Finally, I say, I can do all three, I can do whatever I want because, 1. We have a safe word or 2. We have no safeword.

My most recent “no safe word” subject and I have been playing for years. In fact, he is featured in some of my most masochistic videos. I have even been asked on numerous occasions how much negotiating was done prior to our play. None, I respond, his only limits are bodily fluids, which make me often taunt him with them anyhow 😉

Ultimately, the safe word will not matter, because I have been cognizant of their psychic and physical space and I know what I’m doing – and so will you if you pay attention.

Bottom line: live and learn, live and learn.

Addendum: Look up RACK (or Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or read this wonderful piece on Consent by Flaming June.

10 Ways of Being a Great TOP! by Eve Minax

March 29, 2014 By Admin Bondassage

10 Ways of Being a Great TOP!

by Eve Minax

If you read last week’s blog, then you learned about how to be a great bottom. In honor of reciprocity and equal responsibility, this week’s blog will be on How to Be a Great Top! You will find the similarities astonishing.

Like the term “bottom” and “submissive” people conflate the terms “top” and “dominant” – which are distinguishable terms. The noun is a “Top” and the verb is “to top”. These are terms originally derived from gay male culture that connote a sexual positioning preference, generally meaning the one who is the giving partner (as opposed to bottom, see last week’s blog post), and for our purposes today indicates the person giving physical sexual/BDSM activity. A Dominant is more of a service-oriented directive position that may or may not be fully a Top. I, for example, am a little bit of a switch, and I am mostly Top and Primarily Dominant. For the sake of our discussion here, we will focus on the term and our meaning of Top.

The 10 ways that I have focused on are not necessarily in order of priority, although I have identified what I believe to be the logistical order of what needs to be in place for another aspect to occur and so forth. So, without further ado, here are 10 Ways of Being a Great Top!

Be Active/Assertive. I know, I know, this seems like a no brainer, especially given what I said above, but the reality is that some people who self identify as tops simply are not very assertive with the bottom. This is not to say that Tops should be scary, aggressive assholes, but that they need to show, at the very least through words, that they desire activity with the bottom. Actions also can speak louder than words, especially if there is overt consent.

Know What You Want. Sometimes Tops get so excited to be playing with fresh meat, they overlook the obvious, be sure you know what type of bottom you want to play with: a pet, a toy, a slave, a masochist, etc…or some combination thereof? Need to to learn more? Try reading “The Topping Book” by Dossie Easton.

Know your Limits. Tops need to know just how far they can go safely and readily without causing harm just as much as bottoms do. What if the bottom has more experience and you go to try one of the intense forms of play they desire, but cannot “go there”? The Top has every right to call their safe word and stop the scene.

Be Communicative/a Clear Negotiator. We use the term “negotiate” a LOT in BDSM, but you will not be able to negotiate without having the above qualities intact. Communication, whether through words or bodily expressions, is key to insuring a great play for all/both parties. Starting with a discussion around your and your bottom’s desires will help find parity, boundaries, and potentially deeper hotness. Continuing to communicate throughout the scene and following up will continue the dialogue and help create even more intimacy!

Be Present. After all of the above, you may be ready to start the play! Part of communicating and continuing negotiating without stopping scene is to be fully present and closely observe your bottom’s responses and reactions. If you are both new to play, you will want to go slowly enough for check ins but push enough to potentially hit a safe word. There’s no shame in hitting a safe word. It gives you both a compass from which to work. And not everyone plays exactly the same way all the time.

Be Consensual/Ethical. Consent is a term that is widely bandied about in BDSM, and it can be very difficult to determine where that edge of consent/non consent lies sometimes. Luckily, if you are fully engaging in the ongoing negotiation process with your bottom, it should be clear where you may bump up against their limits in healthy and sexy ways and where that edge of consent is simply “no”. NO means no, right now. So back off or stop whatever you’re doing when the safe word is called and move the scene into another direction. If the scene must be stopped, stop it.

Have a Sense of Humor/Be Compassionate. So the scene did not go as planned. You didn’t get what you thought you wanted or the bottom is not happy. Either way, shit happens. Find it within yourself to laugh at your faux pas (provided no one got unerotically hurt), and have compassion for yourself and your bottom. We are humans. We make mistakes. Admitting to the mistake and even having a bit of fun around it is so much more sexy than pretending nothing happened or haranguing yourself or your bottom for not doing what you wanted is not. Disclaimer: I am not advocating for abuse here. As I stated above, consent/non consent can be difficult to determine at times. Be honest and open in your communication. It will all work out!

Be Adventuresome/Change it up. Sure, I had to give you all kinds of warnings, before I then say: Push ahead! Take risks! Have Fun! The truth is, most bottoms do not want the same ol’ every time they play, and if they do, they are not playing with personal growth by bumping up against discomforts as much as they’re looking for a bit of fun. Know the difference and know how to continue to feed your creativity and enjoy the play. Change it up a bit!

Take Care of Yourself. You want your bottom in good health and, although healthy is a relative term, being the best you can be indicates that you know how to look after yourself and have more energy for others. Part of being a great Top means that you don’t act out of anger or fear, that you are in check with where your emotions lie for the most part and that your health is the best it can be and you insure your bottom is safe as well.

Find Community. Being kinky can be scary and being a Top can be isolating (we’re supposed to know it all!). You need to find resources in order to not feel lonely or isolated. BDSM has definitely exploded since the advent of the internet and the results of spreading the word that many other kinky people exist is comforting. However, I also suggest you seek out resources outside the inter-web. Staying online for cybersex or internet porn can lead to more isolation and disillusion around what real BDSM looks like. If you want to start online perhaps try a social site like fetlife.com or a politically groundbreaking site like http://makelovenotporn.com/. To go further, BDSM and kink classes may exist in your area, do a search for that! You may also be surprised to find a public place space that you can go to find like-minded people. Also, you can seek out professional assistance by working with a kink/BDSM coach or provider. Do your homework first and make sure they’re reputable. Finally, if you do require a kink aware professional in the realm of mental or psychological help please check out TASHRA.org or the NCSF.org website for professionals who are aware of, and possibly even practice, kink or BDSM.

Being a Top does not mean being a domineering tyrant. It’s a great way to practice your mental and physical BDSM skills while deepening connection with your bottom. It’s also a wonderful place to practice compassion for yourself and for others. Like any personal growth process, being open, honest, flexible, and communicative helps you better explore yourself as the beautiful “work in progress” you are – so that you will have the confidence to go out to the world and find others who will want to play with you and continue to grow!

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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook