Relinquishing Power In Your Bedroom Is The Ultimate Power!
Could your need for feeling in control be holding you back from an intense, connected, and satisfying sex life? Do you want to talk with your lover about adding some B.D.S.M. fun to your sex life? Are you ready to let go, be in the moment, and try adding in some kink into your love life?
Did you know, when exchanging power in your bedroom, that the person who is playing the submissive role has much as much power (or possibly more) as the person who is playing the dominant role? And, did you know that the partner who is playing the dominant role also needs to consider how they are going to nurture their “submissive” and plan for some after-care? All of these things are negotiated beforehand. (Check out our blog “We Want to Be Kinky, How Do We Do That.”)
Are you worried about asking your partner to dominate you? Do you think it will be embarrassing to let your lover know your desire to “play” as a submissive? I imagine if you are in a healthy relationship, your partner will be turned on by your open communication.
Are you too shy to BEG for it? Push yourself. Try it. See how your love responds. Leave all of your “to-do lists” somewhere else and beg for some hot sex or a sexy spanking. Forget that you are parents; forget that you have laundry that needs to be put away. Let go of those other identities and get into the headspace of being the Domme or the submissive in the bedroom.
Have you heard of the term “subspace?” The website HelloFlo.com defines subspace:
“This emotional and psychological result is called a “subspace,” and is brought on by an influx of adrenaline and endorphins. Just like an orgasm, a subspace is difficult to explain as it differs person by person, particularly because of the varying emotions, responses, and reactions involved. A common misconception of BDSM scenes is that they only involve physical pain — such as floggers, whips, ropes, and other tangible objects. For those within a BDSM scene, subspace is an attainable goal that includes a trance-like euphoria of overtly intense emotions.”
Do You Crave Giving Up Control and Getting Into that Subspace?
According to a survey done by Durex (the condom people) in 2005 showed that 36% of U.S.couples are in a kinky relationship. (Compared to 20% of couples worldwide.) That survey was done before the book “50 Shades of Grey” became a social phenomenon. The new research shows that it’s more likely that about 85% of people having kinky sex lives. What are you waiting for?
Not sure how to surrender to your lover? We have 19 Kinky Tips For You:
- Have a discussion with your lover and let them know what you are thinking. If you are intimate enough to have sex, you should be intimate enough to share your fantasies.
- Get ENTHUSIASTIC consent for anything new and kinky. Consent is everything.
- Read some kinky erotica together.
- Grab your iPad or your laptop and browse some kinky sex toys and sex furniture online.
- Look for some blogs online that are focused on kinky couples and BDSM.
- Head to a local sex toy store together. (Or, when you are on vacation, check out the local sex toy stores in each city you visit.)
- Discuss your limits and boundaries with your lover. Communication is lubrication.
- Get a collar to wear when you are feeling in the mood to play submissive. When you put it on, you will signal to your lover and to your own brain that it’s time to get into that headspace.
- Buy some lingerie or gear that puts you in that kinky mood.
- Sign-up for a BDSM meetup or munch and meet other kinky people. Learn new kinky ideas from them.
- Become active members of your local kink community.
- Create a profile on FetLife you can both access. Scroll through all of the types of kinks that exist. There are thousands!
- Make a bucket list of all of the kinky ideas/themes you two come up with.
- Take turns restraining each other to see which role you prefer. Do you prefer being in control or giving up control?
- Experiment with some temperature play by drinking some hot tea or some hot chocolate. Then drink a cold glass of ice water and experiment with your cold tongue or hands.
- Take some naughty pics with our cell phone when you are home alone and send to your partner to give them some ideas you have in mind. Build up the anticipation.
- Invest in some noise canceling headphones for your playroom and play time.
- Ask your partner to spank you or paddle you and see if you like it. Switch it up and spank or paddle your partner and see if you prefer receiving or giving.
- Remember your aftercare commitment.
Sexy and Kinky Tips Online
We have so many more tips we are excited to share with you via our video course.
If you are married and are empty-nesters and are ready to reclaim your sex life now that the kids are all moved out you will love our Art of Bondassage course. Or, maybe you have been through an illness or menopause and your sex life can use some C.P.R. It happens in all relationships and there is no shame in asking your partner to help you with improving your sex life.
Do you want to stay together for a lot more years? Do you want to stay married, but need some professional help? A fabulous sensual massage can be orgasmic and when you both learn our techniques in our course, it will bring you both bliss. Think of it as an investment in your orgasms and well being.
We Would Love To Teach You How To Be Kinky
When you buy our course, you will learn to take turns being in the power position. If you are normally a more dominant lover, learn how to let go of the control to your lover and enjoy receiving a sensual massage. Learn more about impact play and edging. Let us teach you some techniques for nipple play that will bring you to the brink.
Whether you’re a novice or an experienced player, we’re delighted to be your guide on a journey of submission, exploration, and pleasure.
If you feel like our $97 course may be a little slow for you, we do also have an Advanced Bondassage Course for $395 . You can even pay for our $395 Advance Bondassage Course in 3 payments, too. Be sure to sign up for our HOT SEX TIPS newsletter here so we can keep your sex life smoking hot. (Read our blog about our Couples Kink Coaching here.)
Kinky Tips & Techniques For Couples Learning To Be Kinky
If you have married or in a long term relationship and want to keep your sex life healthy in marriage, we do offer private coaching. Our private coaching is in person and working with Jaeleen gives you the confidence and freedom to explore new techniques, new erogenous zones, and delicious new areas of sensory pleasure.
Our founder, Jaeleen, offers private coaching. “I’m a sensual domina, professional bodyworker, and the creator of Bondassage® and Elysium by Bondassage®. I’ve had the honor of introducing people around the world to the fascinating world of kink. Introducing couples to the art of Bondassage has increased their passion, deepened their connection, and spiced up their intimate playtime. I’d love to help you too!”
More about Jaeleen: I am a Certified Massage Therapist, Professional Domina, Reiki Master, Urban Tantrika, and Sensual Shaman with more than 25 years of experience. I have extensive training in several healing modalities, including Amma, Swedish, acupressure, shiatsu, deep tissue, sports massage, Reiki, rebirthing, polarity, trigger, and active release, Thai, Tantra, and Taoist Massage, Shamanic journeying, aromatherapy, and esoteric energy healing.
Email Jaeleen at jaeleen@ bondassage.com to introduce yourself to her and that will get your conversation going.
We Want To Be Kinkier! How Do We Do That?
We want to be kinkier. How do we do that?
Sex in a long term relationship or marriage can sometimes become predictable and tedious.
Other times, getting kinkier is just a natural part of a how a long term relationship matures – to explore new things dabble and in the kinky world.
Another phenomenon that happens is that some people may not divulge their kinks early on in their relationship. Eventually, they want to explore the kinkier life with their partner, but sometimes they are nervous to let their partner know about this interest in kink.
It’s no surprise that since we don’t talk about kinky sex within our relationships, there are a lot of misconceptions floating around.
The image of a leather-clad dominatrix wielding clothes pins or a paddle might jump to mind when you think of kinky sex. But really, all you need is your imagination, an open mind, and a willing lover.
You are likely are asking yourself “Where do we start? What is the first step in becoming kinky?”
There can be a wide spectrum of what people think is kink. What seems kinky to you may be par for the course for the next person. There is no right way or wrong way to have kinky sex. It can be completely unique in every single relationship. It can run the gamut from vibrators to BDSM, dirty talk to role playing, deep-throating, pegging, sex furniture, sex swings, blindfolds, and BDSM play — and many options in between.
If you or your lover enjoy certain fetishes or want to explore the world more thoroughly, there are definitely stores for that. But trying kink isn’t nearly as equipment-heavy as people assume. You don’t even need blindfolds or handcuffs if you want to get playful with sensory deprivation or restraints — a tie or pillowcase can work in both cases. And, not all kinky people have a fetish. A fetish is more like a fixation or compulsion for a specific item or sex act. Kinky sex is something more unconventional and the opposite of “vanilla sex.”
Consent: Everything starts with consent – this is especially true while kinking up your love life. Enthusiastic consent is something that should happen before any sex act, especially if you’re trying out something kinky for the first time. Communication is so important to healthy sexual relationships, and vital when you’re exploring dominant/submissive roles or potentially causing pain. (But, keep in mind that not all couples incorporate pain into their kinky sex lives.)
Surprise: What I have found is that in a long term relationship, it is very difficult to surprise and delight my partner. After a few years, you know what each other likes and how to “push” the right buttons for your partner, which means things in the bedroom get a little tedious. You tend to initiate things in the pattern that you two developed over time. We all have our patterns and we tend to like predictability in the bedroom because it feels comfortable. Negotiating kinky “scenes” or setting up a kinky sex date can create anticipation, surprise, and delight that sometimes goes out the door in long term relationships.
Communicate: The other thing I found out is that lovers who are kinkier have to have really great communication skills. Most hot sex comes when lovers communicate about their needs and desires. I know I say this a lot, but communication is lubrication. I say it so often because it is true.
This is VERY true in kinky relationships because they require constant negotiation. And, in some cases, there are even contracts and written documentation. Personally, I have never done any kind of written contract, but we always create a verbal contract. My partner and I talk about what we want to try and we ESPECIALLY communicate our limits. My lover is always clear about my HARD limits. (You may be familiar with the contract concept from the book and movie, “50 Shades of Grey.” That book and movie has a bad reputation for the lack of consent featured. We do not recommend coercion and always want you to be safe and sane.)
Fluidity: The really cool thing about kinky communication is that you both go into kink knowing that things are fluid and can change as we spend more time together. In the very beginning, you may make a guideline where you say “no restraints.” However, after a few months you may decide you want to let go of the control and allow your love to tie you up. (Add a blindfold to that scene, too, to really get into the moment.) Keep it fluid and touch base often to see if things have expanded or changed in any way.
What are the steps to becoming kinkier?
The steps you take in your relationship to create a kinky sex life will come from your conversations with each other about what kinds of kinky things you each want to try. I am going to give you some ideas of techniques you two can try together.
- Bondage on a budget? Look around your house for scarves, long men’s ties, sashes from your robe, old pantyhose and old knee highs to use as restraints. They are soft and we never want to cut off your lovers circulation or put anything on their body that might chafe. (Pay attention to our partners’ reaction and body language.)
- Sensation Play: Look around your house for soft brushes like makeup brushes, clean dusters, paint brushes, soft basting brushes to add some texture. Stroke these various items over your lovers sensitive parts – neck, lips, testicles, labia, behind their knee, ankles, lower tummy, lower back, ears, scalp… test them on every inch of their body and see what kind of reaction you get.
- Nipple Play: We are all born with nipples. They are an equal opportunity erogenous zone. And, once you or your lover are restrained, you may find that your nipples become way more sensitive than usual. Something about not being able to control what happens to your nipples makes it so much more pleasurable. Experiment with some sucking or pinching your lovers nipples while fingering your female partner or while tickling your male lovers testicles while sucking on his nipple. Two types of stimulation at one time can be exciting, confusing, and intriguing. It’s a great way to see how your lover responds and twists around. Pay attention to their body language.
- Impact Play is one of the most popular kinks. Almost everyone is familiar with the concept of being spanked during sex or as foreplay. That might make this particular kind of kinky fun more approachable.
Warming up the skin is very important with impact play like spanking or paddling. Some people also enjoy flogging. Lots of fun items from your kitchen and bathroom like silicone spatulas and hair brushes can become fun paddling implements.
- Denial: Getting your partner close to orgasm but not letting them have their orgasm is a fun new way to play. Get them very close and stop what you are doing. Have them beg you for the release. Tease it out and time how long you make them wait. Each time you try denial play you can see if you can have them hold out for a few minutes longer each time. Make a game or a competition out of it.
- Power Play: Exchanging Power can be very exciting for couples who have been vanilla for years. Negotiate evenings where you can each take turn having the control of the “scene” or the play for that night. Both try out the role of being in control and creating the evening’s fun. Even if one of you are more comfortable in one role, make sure you push each other out of your comfort zone and swap the power. You can put a time limit on it so if one of you is VERY uncomfortable, you know that it will only last 15 minutes or whatever you negotiate.
- Dirty Talk: This can sometimes be difficult for couples if this is not already in your typical sex play date. What I hear from men is that it can be difficult to call their wives or the mother of their children something that is not considered respectful. One way to make the dirty talk easier is to take on a persona or an alter-ego when playing in a kinky style. Let your lover know when you feel like taking on that persona so they know exactly when you both can incorporate the dirty talk. Importantly, negotiate that what happens during a kinky play date stays there.
Experiment with using words for body parts you would not typically use. If you normally call his penis a dick, start calling it his cock. If you are female and normally refer to your vagina as your kitty, try using the word pussy instead.
If you a very shy about dirty talk, start by just saying what you see. “Look at how beautiful your fat, throbbing cock looks covered in lube.” Really notice his cock. Say exactly what you see and let him know what you think about it. He can try the same thing. “I love seeing the lips of your pussy puffy and excited like this.” It can start simple and as you both get more comfortable, you can expand your sex vocabulary.
- Role Playing: Get creative and do not get hung up on the costumes to go with the role. You can role play with no costumes. For example, you can show up for your sex date and let your lover know that you are the FedEx guy and there with a package of sex toys for her. Or he can show up for your kinky sex date as the male escort you hired for a sensual massage.
Everyone is familiar with “playing doctor” or dressing up as a cop. Lots of TV shows and movies feature the “meeting a stranger in a hotel bar” role play idea. Here are some other ideas for you two:
Sexy Neighbor
Neighborhood Handyman
Cleaning Person
Professor and Student
Porn Star (This one I like to always play in my head. Sometimes I share with my lover.)
Pizza Delivery / DoorDash Delivery
Famous Couple from a Movie
In-call Massage Therapist
Cable Person
Strangers
Boss and Employee
Like you are married to someone else
Human Sex Doll
Photographer and Model
Nervous First Date
Yoga Instructor or Personal Trainer/ Client
Nerdy couples can try some characters from Star Wars or Game of Thrones
We hope these ideas inspire you and your lover. We want you to have the sex life you have always dreamed of!
We Have Tried Everything. Our Sex Life Still Sucks. HELP!
If the two of you have tried everything and you just cannot seem to get anywhere with improving our sex life, then you might want to consider coming to Northern California to the Santa Cruz area where we can do some sex coaching together.
Jaeleen coaches couples in her space near the Pacific Ocean. From Jaeleen: “My coaching helps couples to hack a new kinkier sex life for themselves. I educate couples of all sizes, ages, and genders on many kinds of sensual and kinky techniques and practices. You can read all about my coaching, my rates, customer testimonials, and 13 Sexy Techniques to Kink Up Your Sex Life here.
My coaching is a very personal decision by you both. To make sure we are all on the same page, begin with an email to me and we can discuss if we are good fit for one another. It’s an investment I do not take lightly, so having a discussion first is a great way to make sure that we are a good match. Feel free to email me at jaeleenbondassage@gmail.com to start off this conversation. Be sure to read our blog “Can Kinky Sex Save My Sex Life” or “7 Tips For Giving Your Lover The Hottest Massage Ever” and get to know more about my in-person kinky coaching and more about me.”
You can also get added to our email newsletter and get our HOT SEX TIPS in your inbox. Just enter your email here: Hot Sex Tips Newsletter
10 Ways of Being a Great TOP! by Eve Minax
If you read last week’s blog, then you learned about how to be a great bottom. In honor of reciprocity and equal responsibility, this week’s blog will be on How to Be a Great Top! You will find the similarities astonishing.
Like the term “bottom” and “submissive” people conflate the terms “top” and “dominant” – which are distinguishable terms. The noun is a “Top” and the verb is “to top”. These are terms originally derived from gay male culture that connote a sexual positioning preference, generally meaning the one who is the giving partner (as opposed to bottom, see last week’s blog post), and for our purposes today indicates the person giving physical sexual/BDSM activity. A Dominant is more of a service-oriented directive position that may or may not be fully a Top. I, for example, am a little bit of a switch, and I am mostly Top and Primarily Dominant. For the sake of our discussion here, we will focus on the term and our meaning of Top.
The 10 ways that I have focused on are not necessarily in order of priority, although I have identified what I believe to be the logistical order of what needs to be in place for another aspect to occur and so forth. So, without further ado, here are 10 Ways of Being a Great Top!
Be Active/Assertive. I know, I know, this seems like a no brainer, especially given what I said above, but the reality is that some people who self identify as tops simply are not very assertive with the bottom. This is not to say that Tops should be scary, aggressive assholes, but that they need to show, at the very least through words, that they desire activity with the bottom. Actions also can speak louder than words, especially if there is overt consent.
Know What You Want. Sometimes Tops get so excited to be playing with fresh meat, they overlook the obvious, be sure you know what type of bottom you want to play with: a pet, a toy, a slave, a masochist, etc…or some combination thereof? Need to to learn more? Try reading “The Topping Book” by Dossie Easton.
Know your Limits. Tops need to know just how far they can go safely and readily without causing harm just as much as bottoms do. What if the bottom has more experience and you go to try one of the intense forms of play they desire, but cannot “go there”? The Top has every right to call their safe word and stop the scene.
Be Communicative/a Clear Negotiator. We use the term “negotiate” a LOT in BDSM, but you will not be able to negotiate without having the above qualities intact. Communication, whether through words or bodily expressions, is key to insuring a great play for all/both parties. Starting with a discussion around your and your bottom’s desires will help find parity, boundaries, and potentially deeper hotness. Continuing to communicate throughout the scene and following up will continue the dialogue and help create even more intimacy!
Be Present. After all of the above, you may be ready to start the play! Part of communicating and continuing negotiating without stopping scene is to be fully present and closely observe your bottom’s responses and reactions. If you are both new to play, you will want to go slowly enough for check ins but push enough to potentially hit a safe word. There’s no shame in hitting a safe word. It gives you both a compass from which to work. And not everyone plays exactly the same way all the time.
Be Consensual/Ethical. Consent is a term that is widely bandied about in BDSM, and it can be very difficult to determine where that edge of consent/non consent lies sometimes. Luckily, if you are fully engaging in the ongoing negotiation process with your bottom, it should be clear where you may bump up against their limits in healthy and sexy ways and where that edge of consent is simply “no”. NO means no, right now. So back off or stop whatever you’re doing when the safe word is called and move the scene into another direction. If the scene must be stopped, stop it.
Have a Sense of Humor/Be Compassionate. So the scene did not go as planned. You didn’t get what you thought you wanted or the bottom is not happy. Either way, shit happens. Find it within yourself to laugh at your faux pas (provided no one got unerotically hurt), and have compassion for yourself and your bottom. We are humans. We make mistakes. Admitting to the mistake and even having a bit of fun around it is so much more sexy than pretending nothing happened or haranguing yourself or your bottom for not doing what you wanted is not. Disclaimer: I am not advocating for abuse here. As I stated above, consent/non consent can be difficult to determine at times. Be honest and open in your communication. It will all work out!
Be Adventuresome/Change it up. Sure, I had to give you all kinds of warnings, before I then say: Push ahead! Take risks! Have Fun! The truth is, most bottoms do not want the same ol’ every time they play, and if they do, they are not playing with personal growth by bumping up against discomforts as much as they’re looking for a bit of fun. Know the difference and know how to continue to feed your creativity and enjoy the play. Change it up a bit!
Take Care of Yourself. You want your bottom in good health and, although healthy is a relative term, being the best you can be indicates that you know how to look after yourself and have more energy for others. Part of being a great Top means that you don’t act out of anger or fear, that you are in check with where your emotions lie for the most part and that your health is the best it can be and you insure your bottom is safe as well.
Find Community. Being kinky can be scary and being a Top can be isolating (we’re supposed to know it all!). You need to find resources in order to not feel lonely or isolated. BDSM has definitely exploded since the advent of the internet and the results of spreading the word that many other kinky people exist is comforting. However, I also suggest you seek out resources outside the inter-web. Staying online for cybersex or internet porn can lead to more isolation and disillusion around what real BDSM looks like. If you want to start online perhaps try a social site like fetlife.com or a politically groundbreaking site like http://makelovenotporn.com/. To go further, BDSM and kink classes may exist in your area, do a search for that! You may also be surprised to find a public place space that you can go to find like-minded people. Also, you can seek out professional assistance by working with a kink/BDSM coach or provider. Do your homework first and make sure they’re reputable. Finally, if you do require a kink aware professional in the realm of mental or psychological help please check out TASHRA.org or the NCSF.org website for professionals who are aware of, and possibly even practice, kink or BDSM.
Being a Top does not mean being a domineering tyrant. It’s a great way to practice your mental and physical BDSM skills while deepening connection with your bottom. It’s also a wonderful place to practice compassion for yourself and for others. Like any personal growth process, being open, honest, flexible, and communicative helps you better explore yourself as the beautiful “work in progress” you are – so that you will have the confidence to go out to the world and find others who will want to play with you and continue to grow!
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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook
10 Ways of Being a Great TOP! by Eve Minax
If you read last week’s blog, then you learned about how to be a great bottom. In honor of reciprocity and equal responsibility, this week’s blog will be on How to Be a Great Top! You will find the similarities astonishing.
Like the term “bottom” and “submissive” people conflate the terms “top” and “dominant” – which are distinguishable terms. The noun is a “Top” and the verb is “to top”. These are terms originally derived from gay male culture that connote a sexual positioning preference, generally meaning the one who is the giving partner (as opposed to bottom, see last week’s blog post), and for our purposes today indicates the person giving physical sexual/BDSM activity. A Dominant is more of a service-oriented directive position that may or may not be fully a Top. I, for example, am a little bit of a switch, and I am mostly Top and Primarily Dominant. For the sake of our discussion here, we will focus on the term and our meaning of Top.
The 10 ways that I have focused on are not necessarily in order of priority, although I have identified what I believe to be the logistical order of what needs to be in place for another aspect to occur and so forth. So, without further ado, here are 10 Ways of Being a Great Top!
Be Active/Assertive. I know, I know, this seems like a no brainer, especially given what I said above, but the reality is that some people who self identify as tops simply are not very assertive with the bottom. This is not to say that Tops should be scary, aggressive assholes, but that they need to show, at the very least through words, that they desire activity with the bottom. Actions also can speak louder than words, especially if there is overt consent.
Know What You Want. Sometimes Tops get so excited to be playing with fresh meat, they overlook the obvious, be sure you know what type of bottom you want to play with: a pet, a toy, a slave, a masochist, etc…or some combination thereof? Need to to learn more? Try reading “The Topping Book” by Dossie Easton.
Know your Limits. Tops need to know just how far they can go safely and readily without causing harm just as much as bottoms do. What if the bottom has more experience and you go to try one of the intense forms of play they desire, but cannot “go there”? The Top has every right to call their safe word and stop the scene.
Be Communicative/a Clear Negotiator. We use the term “negotiate” a LOT in BDSM, but you will not be able to negotiate without having the above qualities intact. Communication, whether through words or bodily expressions, is key to insuring a great play for all/both parties. Starting with a discussion around your and your bottom’s desires will help find parity, boundaries, and potentially deeper hotness. Continuing to communicate throughout the scene and following up will continue the dialogue and help create even more intimacy!
Be Present. After all of the above, you may be ready to start the play! Part of communicating and continuing negotiating without stopping scene is to be fully present and closely observe your bottom’s responses and reactions. If you are both new to play, you will want to go slowly enough for check ins but push enough to potentially hit a safe word. There’s no shame in hitting a safe word. It gives you both a compass from which to work. And not everyone plays exactly the same way all the time.
Be Consensual/Ethical. Consent is a term that is widely bandied about in BDSM, and it can be very difficult to determine where that edge of consent/non consent lies sometimes. Luckily, if you are fully engaging in the ongoing negotiation process with your bottom, it should be clear where you may bump up against their limits in healthy and sexy ways and where that edge of consent is simply “no”. NO means no, right now. So back off or stop whatever you’re doing when the safe word is called and move the scene into another direction. If the scene must be stopped, stop it.
Have a Sense of Humor/Be Compassionate. So the scene did not go as planned. You didn’t get what you thought you wanted or the bottom is not happy. Either way, shit happens. Find it within yourself to laugh at your faux pas (provided no one got unerotically hurt), and have compassion for yourself and your bottom. We are humans. We make mistakes. Admitting to the mistake and even having a bit of fun around it is so much more sexy than pretending nothing happened or haranguing yourself or your bottom for not doing what you wanted is not. Disclaimer: I am not advocating for abuse here. As I stated above, consent/non consent can be difficult to determine at times. Be honest and open in your communication. It will all work out!
Be Adventuresome/Change it up. Sure, I had to give you all kinds of warnings, before I then say: Push ahead! Take risks! Have Fun! The truth is, most bottoms do not want the same ol’ every time they play, and if they do, they are not playing with personal growth by bumping up against discomforts as much as they’re looking for a bit of fun. Know the difference and know how to continue to feed your creativity and enjoy the play. Change it up a bit!
Take Care of Yourself. You want your bottom in good health and, although healthy is a relative term, being the best you can be indicates that you know how to look after yourself and have more energy for others. Part of being a great Top means that you don’t act out of anger or fear, that you are in check with where your emotions lie for the most part and that your health is the best it can be and you insure your bottom is safe as well.
Find Community. Being kinky can be scary and being a Top can be isolating (we’re supposed to know it all!). You need to find resources in order to not feel lonely or isolated. BDSM has definitely exploded since the advent of the internet and the results of spreading the word that many other kinky people exist is comforting. However, I also suggest you seek out resources outside the inter-web. Staying online for cybersex or internet porn can lead to more isolation and disillusion around what real BDSM looks like. If you want to start online perhaps try a social site like fetlife.com or a politically groundbreaking site like http://makelovenotporn.com/. To go further, BDSM and kink classes may exist in your area, do a search for that! You may also be surprised to find a public place space that you can go to find like-minded people. Also, you can seek out professional assistance by working with a kink/BDSM coach or provider. Do your homework first and make sure they’re reputable. Finally, if you do require a kink aware professional in the realm of mental or psychological help please check out TASHRA.org or the NCSF.org website for professionals who are aware of, and possibly even practice, kink or BDSM.
Being a Top does not mean being a domineering tyrant. It’s a great way to practice your mental and physical BDSM skills while deepening connection with your bottom. It’s also a wonderful place to practice compassion for yourself and for others. Like any personal growth process, being open, honest, flexible, and communicative helps you better explore yourself as the beautiful “work in progress” you are – so that you will have the confidence to go out to the world and find others who will want to play with you and continue to grow!
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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook
10 Ways Of Being A Great Bottom by Eve Minax
Oftentimes people conflate the terms “bottom” and “submissive” – to which I cringe because they are distinguishable. Today we will be discussing ten of the top ways of being a great bottom, specifically in Kink/BDSM. The noun is a “bottom and the verb is “to bottom”. A “bottom” is a term originally derived from gay male culture that connotes a sexual positioning preference, generally meaning the one who is the receptive partner, (as opposed to top which indicates the active partner, or switch suggesting giving and receiving), and for our purposes today indicates the person receiving physical activity from a top . A submissive is more of a service oriented position that may or may not be a bottom sexually. Sometimes people self identify as sexual submissives, meaning they don’t just receive, but that they also completely surrender, which can confuse the distinction between bottoming and submission. This is a complicated and ongoing debate that begs to be explored more more fully in a future post, but for the sake of our discussion here, we will focus on the term bottom.
The 10 ways that I have focused on are not necessarily in order of priority, although I have identified what I believe to be the logistical order of what needs to be in place for another aspect to occur and so forth. So, without further ado, here are 10 Ways of Being a Great Bottom!
1. Be receptive. I know, I know, this seems like a no brainer, especially given what I said above, but the reality is some people who self identify as bottoms, simply cannot relax into the scene. I realize it takes a lot of trust to allow another person to do scary and intimate things with you, but you need to be open to what they are offering in order to fall more deeply into a space that will lead you to surrender more deeply, (see above). Being able to receive physical input from the top is the minimum required to being a great bottom. Your mindset needs to be receptive to said input.
2. Know your desires. Knowing what you want is imperative to getting what you want. Sometimes you may not know exactly what your sexual desires are exactly, but you may know what you don’t want. Starting with what you don’t want can help you and your top better distinguish what you might like. Another way of determining what you may like is to look around the web to see if there are any images that particularly appeal to you or turn you on – or conversely turn you off. Reading, of course, will also give you lots of information to help you notice what excites or repulses you, or both! And finally, being able to notice fantasies or sexual thoughts that you’ve had can get to the core of your bottoming pleasure. Having some knowledge to share, whether it be inconclusive or not, will give your top enough information to help create a more powerful scene for you.
3. Know your limits. In addition to knowing your desires, knowing your limits can be very useful in discussing possibilities for more erotic PowerPlay. For example, if you know you like the idea of being restrained, but you are hesitant to be fully restrained or put in extreme bondage, you might be willing to wear light restraints which you can easily remove so that you may feel more trusting of your partner. Further knowing what you absolutely do not want, at least in the time being, can, like knowing your desires, lead the top to an understanding of how far to take you.
4. Be communicative. It goes without saying that if you know your desires and you know your limits, you will need to communicate them clearly to your top. Once again, if you are new to kink or not quite sure what your desires or what your limits are, at the very least communicating that information to the top will give them an idea around where you are at. Being honest in your communication will help the top start playing with you in a way that will ideally expand your horizons, excite your libido, and give you more self-knowledge around your erotic self.
5. Be present. Once you’ve communicated your desires and limits to the best of your abilities, you will probably get ready to play. The most important part of play that will lead you more deeply into your erotic self is to be present with the sensations and directions that you will be receiving during the scene. Some people like to “check out” during play, meaning they enjoy going into another space in their minds. It is not necessarily wrong to have a desire to go on a bit of a journey when receiving intense sensation. Even if you the kind of bottom who likes to take a bit of a time out while receiving sensation, it is invaluable to have a sense of where you are in play so that your limits may be honored.
6. Be responsive. If you are present and communicative, you will be able to respond to the sensations that you are receiving from the top, whether it be physical or verbal response. For example, you may be tied to a St. Andrews cross with a blindfold being whipped by the top and you may not be feeling very verbal. Even so, you can communicate what pleases you by moaning pleasurably or pushing your body outwards towards sensation instead of away from it. There are many ways to show to what extent you appreciate or are uncomfortable with the sensations and or directives you are receiving. Being stoic, unless directed to be so, will not be very useful in communicating desire.
7. Have a sense of humor / be compassionate. This may seem odd, but when you are playing with a new partner, or playing with new activities, or simply new to play, there will be times when things don’t work out the way you plan. The most useful approach during these times is to be able to laugh at the foibles of the human condition. This is not to say that if someone hurts you in a way that affects you negatively you need to laugh it off, on the contrary, being communicative around nonconsensual play is paramount to ongoing harmonious erotic power play. If however, every little mistake that is made either by you or the top creates rupture and displeasure, then maybe you need to look out where you can find a bit of ease in the situation. Having compassion for yourself will lead you to compassion for others’ mistakes.
8. Be adventuresome. One might think that if you are looking to bottom that you might be open to many different types of experiences but this is not necessarily true. I am not suggesting here that you must be open to every possible type of play that could come your way – that could be silly at least and dangerous at most. What I am suggesting is that if the top wants to try different types of play with you that you are unfamiliar with, but not adamantly opposed to, you may wish to experiment, just to see where it takes you. In other words have an explorer’s mind.
9. Take care of yourself. Whether it be physical or mental, being “healthy” is one of the most important things you can offer a top. Personally, I often balk at the term “healthy” since it can be so relative. Further, so much conflicting material exists out there suggesting what we need to do to be more healthy that it can lead to unwanted stress and adverse health. What I am suggesting here is that if you listen to yourself, and take care of your needs, then you will approach life and play with more aplomb. Being a bottom does not mean being a passive doormat. You need to be able to know where your power lies and where you give it over to your partner.
10. Find community. Being kinky can be scary. Not everyone lives in San Francisco, the alternative sex mecca of the world, so that means you need to find resources in order to not feel lonely or isolated. BDSM has definitely exploded since the advent of the internet and the results of spreading the word that many other kinky people exist is comforting. However, I also suggest you seek out resources outside the inter-web. Staying online for cybersex or internet porn can lead to more isolation and disillusion around what real BDSM looks like. If you want to start online perhaps try a social site like Fetlife or a politically groundbreaking site like MakeLoveNotPorn. To go further, BDSM and kink classes may exist in your area, do a search for that! You may also be surprised to find a public place space that you can go to find like-minded people. Also, you can seek out professional assistance by working with a kink/BDSM coach or provider. Do your homework first and make sure they’re reputable. Finally, if you do require a kink aware professional in the realm of mental or psychological help please check out TASHRA.org or the NCSF.org website for professionals who are aware of, and possibly even practice, kink or BDSM.
Once again, don’t forget being a bottom does not mean being a passive doormat. It’s a great opportunity to practice receptivity, self awareness, hot sexual exploration and having fun. Have some compassion for yourself and for others as you continue this journey into deeper connectivity, intimacy, and trust. Like any personal growth process, being open, honest, flexible, and communicative helps you better explore yourself as the beautiful “work in progress” you are – so that you will have the confidence to go out to the world and find others who will want to play with you and continue to grow. Bottoms up!
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Domina, Presenter, and Kink Coach, Eve Minax delights in proliferating carnal knowledge. She acts as Lead Staff Instructor for the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM Arts since 2002 and has exercised her pedagogical skills at a variety of conferences around the United States. Minax is a certified Sex Educator (SFSI), Urban Tantrika, and Bondassage Practitioner. Among other distinctions she recently co-authored “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips For Lovers” with Jaeleen Bennis. Previously, she wrote a regular column and hosted a kinky video program on Carnal Nation. Minax works consistently with SeriousBondage.com and self produces her own videos. Other studies include an MA in Cultural Studies focusing on Sexuality, NLP, NVC, DBT and she speaks French fluently. Always exploring, Minax maintains a loving and extended leather family throughout the world. You may find more information on her websites: eveminax.com, mistressminax.com, and you can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook