When our sex life sucks and becomes very boring or repetitive, we need to think about how we contribute to that. It does take two to tango after all.
When our sex life sucks, we often want to blame someone or something else.
However, we really have to examine our part in our own boring sex life. And, nowadays, there are so many ways to improve your humdrum sex life! My guess is that if you find your sex life tedious or boring, so does your lover.
If you are really committed and want to improve your sex life, you are going to have to take a minimum of half of the responsibility. In the beginning, you may have do to more than half of the work to make it better. (Hopefully only in the beginning; We want to get you both on board to improving your sex life!)
So, now it’s time to have a discussion about your sex life.
Married sex or a long term relationship does not have to be dull or tedious.
Even vanilla sex lives can grow into kinky relationships with some nurturing and some education. It all starts with talking about it together.
How do you bring up your sex life with your lover without hurting their feelings? How do you catch them in the right mood to talk about your shared sex life?
As I love to say, communication is lubrication. This is a very common saying in sex positive communities because it’s really true. There is no time like right after you have sex to have a little discussion during the pillow talk that sometimes takes place after making love. The correct body parts are all lit up with endorphins and oxytocin. Your body is actually lubricated. So, maybe this is a good time to say “Babe, let’s have a date night this Friday night and talk about our sex life and how we are going to keep it hot for the next 30 years.” Maybe let them know you have been doing some research for the two of you and you want to share what you learned.
How would you react if your lover asked you out on a date night to discuss keeping your sex life hot for the next 30 years? I would be intrigued and very excited. I think I would also be flattered and a little bit turned on. Nothing like a little anticipation to create some hot sex.
One of the elements that disappear after being in a relationship with the same person for 10 years or more is the ability to surprise your lover. There is not a lot of anticipation that happens in a long term relationship, either. It’s normal and natural for things to get less spontaneous and more reliable. Everyone’s sex lives have many ups and downs. There are humans and life involved. We have other stuff to attend to when we are over 25 years old!
- Have you ever wanted to see if your wife would be open to dominating you?
- When you are masturbating, do you ever watch porn where the woman in the adult film is taking on a submissive role and acting more like a sex doll or sex object for her husband to enjoy?
- Do you ever fantasize about being restrained and forced to give your lover oral sex until they finish? (With consent, of course. Negotiated ahead of time, always.)
- Have you ever wanted to incorporate spanking or flogging into your sex life, but did not know how to tell your lover?
- Do you love the idea of dominating your male partner, making all the rules, and setting up the entire scene in your bedroom where you force him to worship you for an hour? (All of these are negotiated ahead of time for consent.)
- Does the idea of using panties, vinyl, leather, high heels, or textures in your sex life intrigue you?
- Does erotic sensory deprivation appeal to you?
Asking your long term lover for something new can be a bit intimidating for some people.
I realize that many people like to have these discussions in smaller bits and and bytes and that is ok, too. Respect the process and keep your lover’s personality style into consideration when having these discussions.
Some people are better at handling a bunch of new information in smaller sections, so remember to bring up the one or two things that are the most important to you the first time and save the others for a subsequent conversations. (And, you probably know this, but long road trips together are also a great place to discuss how to keep your sex life hot!)
We have some ideas for you and we think we can help you with lots of this sexy and kinky fun. We want to help you have a hot sex life for another 30 years (or more!) and we have our ways! Some of our education are classes you can do online in the privacy of your own home. You can also come to me for some in-person sex coaching.
If you are both agreeable and you want to try something new, start off with our $97 Art of Bondassage – our online course you can purchase here. It includes the following:
- Learn how to give your lover a sensual, euphoric – and slightly kinky – experience that will open the door to new realms of pleasure, intimacy and connection for you both.
- Whether you’re looking to learn simple things to do with your hands (pinch, caress, spank!), or are ready to explore light bondage and the delights of submission (including an introduction to basic sex toys and how to use them), this online course will show you how to get kinky while deepening that loving connection to your partner.
- Light bondage … sensory deprivation … sensual bodywork and erotic sensation play … whether you’re a novice or an experienced player, we’re delighted to be your guide on a journey of submission, exploration, and pleasure.
- Learning the Art of Bondassage is a safe, fun, and creative way to stretch your boundaries and expand your sensual repertoire.
Or if you are ready for a little more adventure, you can also check out our The Advanced Art of Bondassage for $395 – this is our advanced online course and it includes the $97 Art of Bondassage we mentioned above. (You can even buy it in three payments.) Buy the Advanced Art of Bondassage here. When you buy it, you will learn the following:
- Learn how to create a sensual scene that will leave you and your partner deeply connected and incredibly moved. Creating a beautiful, functional space that entices all the senses creates a space for the both of us to slip into another realm together.
- Learn a variety of touch skills to give your lover an intimate massage that will profoundly delight him or her, as well as specific strokes for various parts of the front and back part of your lover’s body.
- Are you getting a little bored with the usual bondage? Learn fun and easy bondage basics to spice things up!
- Use “body percussion” with the help of floggers, paddles, crops, and (most importantly) your hands to delight and stimulate your lover.
- Deep dive into the senses ~ sight, smell, taste, sound, and touch. Dozens of options for sensation play.
- Learn how to provide nurturing aftercare that deepens the connection between the two of you.
Our online courses are a great way to baby-step into creating a meaningful discussion about your sex life. If kinking up your sex life is one of your goals, our online courses can also help to open up even the most vanilla and anxious partner to the world of kink. Through this entire process, if you can both keep the spirit of “we are in this together” and “we want to have hot sex for another 30 years”, then you will have a blissful good time.
Most of us know that blaming our partners or picking apart something that they do or do not do in the bedroom is never going to create a helpful or sexy discussion. Like I said above, you are half of the reason why your sex life is not what you want it to be, so do not put the blame on your lover. That will only lead to resentment and a more closed mind.
We Have Tried Everything. Our Sex Life Still Sucks. HELP!
If the two of you have tried everything and you just cannot seem to get anywhere with improving our sex life, then you might want to consider coming to Northern California to the Santa Cruz area where we can do some sex coaching together.
I coach couples in my space near the Pacific Ocean. My coaching helps couples to hack a new kinkier sex life for themselves. I educate couples of all sizes, ages, and genders on many kinds of sensual and kinky techniques and practices. You can read all about my coaching, my rates, customer testimonials, and 13 Sexy Techniques to Kink Up Your Sex Life here.
My coaching is a very personal decision by you both. To make sure we are all on the same page, begin with an email to me and we can discuss if we are good fit for one another. It’s an investment I do not take lightly, so having a discussion first is a great way to make sure that we are a good match. Feel free to email me at email@example.com to start off this conversation. Be sure to read our blog “Can Kinky Sex Save My Sex Life” and get to know more about my in-person kinky coaching and more about me.