When our sex life sucks and becomes very boring or repetitive, we need to think about how we contribute to that. It does take two to tango after all.
When our sex life sucks, we often want to blame someone or something else.
However, we really have to examine our part in our own boring sex life. And, nowadays, there are so many ways to improve your humdrum sex life! My guess is that if you find your sex life tedious or boring, so does your lover.
If you are really committed and want to improve your sex life, you are going to have to take a minimum of half of the responsibility. In the beginning, you may have do to more than half of the work to make it better. (Hopefully only in the beginning; We want to get you both on board to improving your sex life!)
So, now it’s time to have a discussion about your sex life.
Married sex or a long term relationship does not have to be dull or tedious.
Even vanilla sex lives can grow into kinky relationships with some nurturing and some education. It all starts with talking about it together.
How do you bring up your sex life with your lover without hurting their feelings? How do you catch them in the right mood to talk about your shared sex life?
As I love to say, communication is lubrication. This is a very common saying in sex positive communities because it’s really true. There is no time like right after you have sex to have a little discussion during the pillow talk that sometimes takes place after making love. The correct body parts are all lit up with endorphins and oxytocin. Your body is actually lubricated. So, maybe this is a good time to say “Babe, let’s have a date night this Friday night and talk about our sex life and how we are going to keep it hot for the next 30 years.” Maybe let them know you have been doing some research for the two of you and you want to share what you learned.
How would you react if your lover asked you out on a date night to discuss keeping your sex life hot for the next 30 years? I would be intrigued and very excited. I think I would also be flattered and a little bit turned on. Nothing like a little anticipation to create some hot sex.
One of the elements that disappear after being in a relationship with the same person for 10 years or more is the ability to surprise your lover. There is not a lot of anticipation that happens in a long term relationship, either. It’s normal and natural for things to get less spontaneous and more reliable. Everyone’s sex lives have many ups and downs. There are humans and life involved. We have other stuff to attend to when we are over 25 years old!
- Have you ever wanted to see if your wife would be open to dominating you?
- When you are masturbating, do you ever watch porn where the woman in the adult film is taking on a submissive role and acting more like a sex doll or sex object for her husband to enjoy?
- Do you ever fantasize about being restrained and forced to give your lover oral sex until they finish? (With consent, of course. Negotiated ahead of time, always.)
- Have you ever wanted to incorporate spanking or flogging into your sex life, but did not know how to tell your lover?
- Do you love the idea of dominating your male partner, making all the rules, and setting up the entire scene in your bedroom where you force him to worship you for an hour? (All of these are negotiated ahead of time for consent.)
- Does the idea of using panties, vinyl, leather, high heels, or textures in your sex life intrigue you?
- Does erotic sensory deprivation appeal to you?
Asking your long term lover for something new can be a bit intimidating for some people.
I realize that many people like to have these discussions in smaller bits and and bytes and that is ok, too. Respect the process and keep your lover’s personality style into consideration when having these discussions.
Some people are better at handling a bunch of new information in smaller sections, so remember to bring up the one or two things that are the most important to you the first time and save the others for a subsequent conversations. (And, you probably know this, but long road trips together are also a great place to discuss how to keep your sex life hot!)
We have some ideas for you and we think we can help you with lots of this sexy and kinky fun. We want to help you have a hot sex life for another 30 years (or more!) and we have our ways! Some of our education are classes you can do online in the privacy of your own home. You can also come to me for some in-person sex coaching.
If you are both agreeable and you want to try something new, start off with our $97 Art of Bondassage – our online course you can purchase here. It includes the following:
- Learn how to give your lover a sensual, euphoric – and slightly kinky – experience that will open the door to new realms of pleasure, intimacy and connection for you both.
- Whether you’re looking to learn simple things to do with your hands (pinch, caress, spank!), or are ready to explore light bondage and the delights of submission (including an introduction to basic sex toys and how to use them), this online course will show you how to get kinky while deepening that loving connection to your partner.
- Light bondage … sensory deprivation … sensual bodywork and erotic sensation play … whether you’re a novice or an experienced player, we’re delighted to be your guide on a journey of submission, exploration, and pleasure.
- Learning the Art of Bondassage is a safe, fun, and creative way to stretch your boundaries and expand your sensual repertoire.
Or if you are ready for a little more adventure, you can also check out our The Advanced Art of Bondassage for $395 – this is our advanced online course and it includes the $97 Art of Bondassage we mentioned above. (You can even buy it in three payments.) Buy the Advanced Art of Bondassage here. When you buy it, you will learn the following:
- Learn how to create a sensual scene that will leave you and your partner deeply connected and incredibly moved. Creating a beautiful, functional space that entices all the senses creates a space for the both of us to slip into another realm together.
- Learn a variety of touch skills to give your lover an intimate massage that will profoundly delight him or her, as well as specific strokes for various parts of the front and back part of your lover’s body.
- Are you getting a little bored with the usual bondage? Learn fun and easy bondage basics to spice things up!
- Use “body percussion” with the help of floggers, paddles, crops, and (most importantly) your hands to delight and stimulate your lover.
- Deep dive into the senses ~ sight, smell, taste, sound, and touch. Dozens of options for sensation play.
- Learn how to provide nurturing aftercare that deepens the connection between the two of you.
Our online courses are a great way to baby-step into creating a meaningful discussion about your sex life. If kinking up your sex life is one of your goals, our online courses can also help to open up even the most vanilla and anxious partner to the world of kink. Through this entire process, if you can both keep the spirit of “we are in this together” and “we want to have hot sex for another 30 years”, then you will have a blissful good time.
Most of us know that blaming our partners or picking apart something that they do or do not do in the bedroom is never going to create a helpful or sexy discussion. Like I said above, you are half of the reason why your sex life is not what you want it to be, so do not put the blame on your lover. That will only lead to resentment and a more closed mind.
We Have Tried Everything. Our Sex Life Still Sucks. HELP!
If the two of you have tried everything and you just cannot seem to get anywhere with improving our sex life, then you might want to consider coming to Northern California to the Santa Cruz area where we can do some sex coaching together.
I coach couples in my space near the Pacific Ocean. My coaching helps couples to hack a new kinkier sex life for themselves. I educate couples of all sizes, ages, and genders on many kinds of sensual and kinky techniques and practices. You can read all about my coaching, my rates, customer testimonials, and 13 Sexy Techniques to Kink Up Your Sex Life here.
My coaching is a very personal decision by you both. To make sure we are all on the same page, begin with an email to me and we can discuss if we are good fit for one another. It’s an investment I do not take lightly, so having a discussion first is a great way to make sure that we are a good match. Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to start off this conversation. Be sure to read our blog “Can Kinky Sex Save My Sex Life” and get to know more about my in-person kinky coaching and more about me.
Has your sex life hit a roadblock? Or maybe it’s worse; maybe you are in a sexless marriage or sexless long term relationship. Life gets in the way of hot sex a lot, doesn’t it?
Sex with your partner can give you bonding time, loads of oxytocin and that very important pillow talk where couples share hopes, dreams, and touch base with each other. If you have kids or roommates, it may be the only time you two have any private time. We all know that it is practically impossible to keep a marriage together without intimacy of some kind. If one or both partners are not getting any affection, intimacy, or sex – it creates resentment. And resentment NEVER leads to hot sex.
Have you tried everything to save your relationship?
Have you read every book in the self-help section of your local bookstore? Do you constantly clip articles from magazines looking for ways to spice up your sex life? Have you ever considered hiring a sex coach?
Perhaps you have a whole bunch of secret fantasies and kinks you want to share with your lover, but you’re nervous. Many women tell us how anxious they are to tell their husband that they want to be spanked or have their hair pulled. (Can you be a feminist and desire to be submissive in your bedroom? YES!)
We hear from men who tell us that they are skittish about telling their wives that they want to play “submissive” once in a while. We hear from others who have fetishes that they have been holding inside and have never told another soul for 25 years or more! That is no way to live.
Maybe reading “50 Shades of Grey” woke you up and you decided it was time to bring this kind of intensity and sensuality into your sex life. Power exchange can be highly erotic, and learning to negotiate kinky sex will make you two amazing communicators. Kinky sex requires a fair bit of negotiation and your preferences can change over time. Kink teaches you how to communicate your fantasies and those changes in preference.
We want to teach you tactics for being able to have these discussions. We will also teach you how to do all kinds of kinky, naughty, and sexy techniques to SPARK JOY in your sex life now! Give yourself and your partner permission to discover new and exciting erotic delights. Ignite a deeper, more fulfilling intimacy and connection. Free the parts of yourself that have been hidden from each other for far too long.
If this sounds like you and your sweetie, you should consider hiring a sex coach. Jaeleen is the founder of Bondassage® and author of “Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips for Lovers.” Jaeleen has been doing couples sex coaching for years in the Bay Area.
COUPLES KINK COACHING LINK AND COSTS
Through her private coaching, you will increase connection, desire, intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and learn each other’s kinks. She states:
“I’ll help you explore techniques you’ve always wanted to try and introduce you to some you may have never even imagined. Working together we’ll explore what kinds of experiences you and your partner might enjoy. They’ll be delighted not only with your new skills but also that you cared enough to acquire them. We will create a safe space for all three of us to discuss sex and kink openly.”
Private Bondassage for Couples coaching is a safe, playful, creative way to stretch your intimate boundaries and expand your erotic repertoire. It’s a lovely way to rekindle the passion and desire in your relationship. You’ll become more sensitive and adventurous with each other as you reach new levels of intimacy and sensuality.
Be sure to read some of Jaeleen’s private client testimonials. (And, btw, the two of you can train with her in her space in the Santa Cruz area or, if you prefer, you can fly her to your city and do the training there.)
Since this coaching is so personal and unique, we want to share some of her client’s testimonials about what it was like receiving the kinky sex coaching with Jaeleen.
Jaeleen’s Sex Coaching Testimonials:
“Jaeleen, you have opened up a new world of possibilities for our sex life. We have been married almost 26 years now. It has helped us fall in love with each other all over. We learned how to have fun again in the bedroom.”– T & P, London
“It was an amazing experience and a fantastic investment in our relationship. I feel empowered and my erotic identity recognized and accepted. ” ~ Lawrence and Celia, New York
“My wife was so painfully shy and raised in a very religious home and I was very frustrated with her lack of confidence to try new things when it came to our sex life. It took every ounce of my sales skills to convince my wife that working with someone like Jaeleen might be able to help us stay married for another 30 years. It was an amazing investment and Jaeleen was able to put her at ease quickly. My wife is still more on the shy side of life, but our sex life is now playful, naughty, sometimes even kinky and so much more fulfilling for both of us.” K & T, Utah
“My husband and I came in as complete novices, and we were put at ease immediately. Jaeleen explained and demonstrated the endless possibilities … we can’t wait for our next lesson!” ~ Albert and Colette, Los Gatos
“Jaeleen provided a wonderfully unique and priceless opportunity to learn and share new and profound pleasures with each other. We knew it would be good, but we had no idea how good it could be. We fell madly in love with each other all over again!” ~ Tom and Stacey, San Francisco
“Our 19-year marriage had turned sexless after about 15 years. The first 10 years of our marriage, we had a fabulous but very vanilla sex life. It took me another 9 years to figure out that my husband had a flogging and spanking fetish and I had NO idea how to help him with that. We found Jaeleen and her coaching and it completely turned our sex life and our relationship around in a weekend!” Carmen and Larry, Las Vegas
13 Sexy Techniques Couples Sex Coaching Will Teach You:
- Reading your partner’s body
- Taking your partner deeper with sensory deprivation tools
- Help your partner let go and surrender with innovative erotic bondage
- Exceptional erotic massage techniques
- Beginning to advanced anal play (wonderfully naughty)
- Expanded sensation play techniques
- Delightful nipple play (his and hers)
- Tantalizing to intense genital play (less can definitely be more)
- Sensual body percussion ~ spanking/flogging/paddling/caning/cropping
- Edge” play techniques for both partners
- Loving, nurturing, and deepening connection
- Access to our private Couples Resource area (including relaxing, sensual music and a curated shopping list)
- Ninety-minute follow up call via phone or Skype …. And so much more!
To get started with this kinky sex coaching, it all starts with an email to email@example.com
From the email, we can have a phone or Skype conversation to make sure this is a good fit for the two of you. You can invest in a half day of sexy skills building, a one-day exploration or two-day immersion in Santa Cruz, CA. (There are travel fees if you want to do this in your city.)
Investment for kink coaching for couples:
Half-day skills building ~ 3000
One-day exploration – 5000
Two-day immersion – 8000
If you would like to start off by checking out our ONLINE COURSES, we have two for you. The first one is $97 and the second is $395.
The Advanced Art of Bondassage can be paid in 3 payments of $135.
The Art of Bondassage is only $97. (And our billing is very discreet.)
You can also check out our blog 7 Tips for Giving Your Partner the Hottest Massage Ever
Sign up for our newsletter with HOT SEX TIPS to get on our mailing list.
How To Give Your Lover An Erotic Massage
Need some help to keep your sex life hot?
Have you always wanted to learn how to give a sensual massage to your partner? We can help.
Have you always wanted to kink things up a bit and learn more about bondage, power play, paddling and other kinky fun? Well then it’s time to have a talk with your lover! If you are feeling like your sex life has hit a plateau, I promise you, they likely had this thought, too.
Communication is lubrication; If you want to have a super hot sex life for years and years, you have to talk about your own sex life with your lover. (Many couples are more comfortable about talking about celebrity sex lives or about the sex lives of their friends, but not their own. I hope that is not the case with the two of you.) Either way, we can help you to improve your sex life. That’s what we have been doing for decades! (Be sure to become a Hot Sex Insider and sign up for our newsletter here.)
7 Tips for Giving Your Partner a Hot and Sexy Sensual Massage
- Set up your bed or massage table and prepare it for lots of massage oil and lube. (Costco has a fabulous heavy duty padded massage table for under $400.)
- Prepare all of your accessories. Be sure to incorporate a blindfold and ear buds and your iPod for music for your love to wear. Warm up your massage oil or coconut oil if it’s winter time. Light your candles to set the mood. Find a few items to provide unique textures like feathers, satin, fuzzy or furry gloves are fun. Make sure your favorite vibrator is charged up or has fresh batteries.
- Once you have your lover naked, comfortable and settled, start with their head/scalp. No oil necessary for this portion and it’s a great way to connect and both get centered, present and in the moment. The lips are a very sensitive part of the body and using your fingers and your own lips on their lips is lovely!
- Remember to massage muscles, not bones. You want this to be relaxing and an extra long tease. This is not meant to be a massage that works out their knots. It’s all about skin on skin and being present for one another.
- In the beginning, tease the nipples and genitals. Tease it out. Circle them from a few inches away. Create the anticipation so the climax is very intense. This is sometimes called “edge” play and is highly erotic for most people.
- Incorporate some texture play into the massage by using the feathers, fuzzy items and other satin items. Tease their body with these items, but pay attention to their reaction. You want it to be relaxing and not too ticklish.
- Once you have touched every inch of the body – front and pack – get on top of the massage table or the bed and do what I like to call the “human slip-and-slide.” Use your skin on their skin to rub and rock together up and down to create an oil slip-and-slide. See what happens from there!
In reality, this list could be 25 items long. There are so many fun elements you can incorporate into your sensual massage. These 7 are just a taste. We have so many tips we are excited to share with you via our video course. These 7 Tips are just a teaser for you.
If you are married and are empty-nesters and are ready to reclaim your sex life now that the kids are all moved out you will love our Art of Bondassage course. Or, maybe you have been through an illness or menopause and your sex life can use some C.P.R. It happens in all relationships and there is no shame in asking your partner to help you with improving your sex life.
For more erotic massage secrets, visit HERE
Do you want to stay together for a lot more years? Do you want to stay married, but need some professional help? A fabulous sensual massage can be orgasmic and when you both learn our techniques in our course, it will bring you both bliss. Think of it as an investment in your orgasms and well being.
When you buy our course, you will learn to take turns being in the power position. If you are normally a more dominant lover, learn how to let go of the control to your lover and enjoy receiving a sensual massage. Learn more about impact play and edging. Let us teach you some techniques for nipple play that will bring you to the brink.
Whether you’re a novice or an experienced player, we’re delighted to be your guide on a journey of submission, exploration, and pleasure.
If you feel like our $97 course may be a little slow for you, we do also have an Advanced Bondassage Course for $395 .
You can even pay for our $395 Advance Bondassage Course in 3 payments, too.
Be sure to sign up for our HOT SEX TIPS newsletter here so we can keep your sex life smoking hot.
(Read our blog about our Couples Kink Coaching here.)
If you have married or in a long term relationship and want to keep your sex life healthy in marriage, we do offer private coaching. Our private coaching is in person and working with Jaeleen gives you the confidence and freedom to explore new techniques, new erogenous zones, and delicious new areas of sensory pleasure.
Our founder, Jaeleen, offers private coaching. “I’m a sensual domina, professional bodyworker, and the creator of Bondassage® and Elysium by Bondassage®. I’ve had the honor of introducing people around the world to the fascinating world of kink. Introducing couples to the art of Bondassage has increased their passion, deepened their connection, and spiced up their intimate playtime. I’d love to help you too!”
More about Jaeleen: I am a Certified Massage Therapist, Professional Domina, Reiki Master, Urban Tantrika, and Sensual Shaman with more than 25 years of experience. I have extensive training in several healing modalities, including Amma, Swedish, acupressure, shiatsu, deep tissue, sports massage, Reiki, rebirthing, polarity, trigger, and active release, Thai, Tantra, and Taoist Massage, Shamanic journeying, aromatherapy, and esoteric energy healing.
Email Jaeleen at firstname.lastname@example.org to introduce yourself to her and that will get your conversation going.
I love watching people’s faces when they ask me what I do. ‘I’m in the sex industry’ – count 1,2,3. They’re either thinking she’s too old to be a hooker – maybe the Madam! Then they either giggle and say ‘that’s interesting’ and move away or I’ve given them permission to talk about sex.
The reality is that I’m neither a hooker nor a Madam. I consider myself a relationship engineer and I talk about sex a lot, and this is what this column is all about – sex and relationships. So if you don’t want to read about sex now is the time to stop reading.
This February there is a huge hype about 50 Shades of Grey – The Movie. Next week we are sponsoring more than 1200 goody bags for a variety of Premiers. Love it or hate it, 50 Shades has opened the discussion about BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism).
Some mistakenly believe that BDSM is all about pain. Some do enjoy pain and others don’t. I don’t. Smack my arse and I’ll smash your face – but I’m not opposed to a bit of sensory deprivation.
There is this new thing called ‘Bondassage’. It’s a combination of bondage and massage – now this appeals to my inner kitty. Prrr.
Learning the art of Bondassage will open up new aspects of your sensual side. Created in 2008 by a massage therapist and professional Domina Jaeleen Bennis, the play involves mild restraint and sensory deprivation. Bondassage requires honest communication, sensual massage and basic bondage. It brings BDSM play out of the dungeons and into a warm, candle lit bedroom. It makes this kind of play accessible for anyone with a healthy curiosity about love, sexual energy and self awareness.
The Folsom Street Fair is one of The Bay’s biggest outdoor events. It is also the world’s largest showcase for BDSM products and culture. Many people come specifically to San Fran to explore the world of kink – this includes our guest, co-author of the book Bondassage, Eve Minax.
With our host, Akeisha Johnson, on this episode of Making It Work we will find out how someone becomes a kink educator and trainer while living in The Bay.